waiting

Winter is coming. Time goes by so fast. I almost fininsh my second semester. Lately, I am counting for the day I fly back to Bangkok. I don't miss Bangkok I guess. I jus want to be back in a life I used to be, to be relaxed, to be hanging out with a lot of friends, to be free, to go anywhere without any concern about the study, to take photographs as usual and do it just like it's part of my life. Something is missing here, something that even I don't know what it is or if I could get it back while I'm wandering around in Bangkok. Two of my friend will visit me in winter, Should I be happy with that? I think I should but I'm not so sure cuz if they come in a time that I want to be alone or am too busy to be with them, I guess I wouldn't be happy.

Help!

A belief or theory or whatever saying that human beings are social animals is stuck inside me. I feel awful many times when someone asks me to help, but they don't show any respect on my advice. What I was trying to say was "Why do you need me to help despite not believing or trusting what I've given an advice?" This kind of thought strikes me and I am so sick of helping somebody like this. You just need me to lend a hand, why don't you turn a wall toward me back? How can I escape from this idea? ??? or just saying that I don't know, or I just never say a word. That would be worse though. This sort of conflicts is waiting to explode when I can no longer put up with.

Summer Trip '06

I was gonna write about my last trip for many times, but I just couldn't go into it. Probably because of this coming fall semester or it could have been something going on about my personal life though. Now, I'm trying to figure it out where I should start writing about my journey. So sleepy, maybe tomorrow then hahaha


ps. this picture I took it while we were heading to Grand Canyon. We just stopped by the viewpoint beside the freeway 53 South.

a dinner

Now it is 6 am in the morning but I'm still awake. Moonlight filters through my window. This is not the only night that lying on the bed doesn't mean sleeping to me. I just closed my eyes, anyhow my brain was still working hard. I was thinking about the party tonight, about my summer trip, about my friend in UK and Thailand such and such ... but why didn't I think about my life in BKK. Isn't that because I do care about being with people more than staying or living at one place. I hate to admit that I'm kind of bored being with many people. Going somewhere with a bunch of friends would seem nice to me if we didn't have any conflicts. Somehow, "adults" just don't say it out loud when they have something on their mind or is that only me who just have changed and just don't want to socialize with that kind of people.

I have become an adult if being an adult means to stand and associate with people we are not fond of. We can pretend to be nice or best friends to them, not everytime but most of the time.

About the party today, first I was so happy while I was there with 3 japanese friends and then just like something hit me badly on my head when I found out that the three girls were coming. Not that I don't like being with girls, but the thing is I just told those 3 girls that I was so sleepy after that boring MGT class and I was going home when I passed by them. But it turned out that they were there at the dinner. Recently, I have made a little lies for not forcing myself to be in a peculiar situation.

My face should have looked like a jerk when those 3 girls showed up. Ok, fine.

Pick-Up Soccer In Central Park

Lately, I have been searching for group of people who play soccer in Manhattan. Fortunately, I found 2 people who always play in Central Park on every Thursday. And last thursday I went there and didn't have to wait any minutes, they were playing, one in a grass field and the other in the dirt field 5 steps from the fence. So I ducked into the field and asked if I could join. " No problem." << So I was in the field waiting for my first soccer game in fall, Probably, it was a game in a year. These people were tough though, they played very well and I enjoyed it very much. However, when i got there, it was almost 8pm so they were gonna head back home. To me, i was so desperate for playing soccer and I could only play just 15 minutes. I was dissappointed. When I was leaving, there was another group coming to the field to play soccer. So ....... I joined them. Most of the players are beginners and there were 3 girls which were very nice. oh .. and there was a guy taking MBA at Stanford. HUHUU


ps. I shoud have taken some pictures to update in my blog.

4 seasons

From my past understanding, there were 3 seasons in Thailand: Summer, Winter and Rainy. However, right now I believe there are still 3 seasons which are hot, hotter and hottest. When I complain bitterly about the heat here to my friend, they always say nowhere would be hot than Thailand. One thing ... summer here and there is different. Have you ever experienced dry-hot? It's damn torturing. Some time I can't breathe, like every drop of water can't be expelled through my skin. Summer Summer!!!

Summer

It's summer now. Although I love spring, summer isn't bad. There are a lot of free concerts. The one I am waiting for is the orchestra philhamonic in Central Park. Last year I was there and it was great, though a little rain. One thing stuck in my head is when the temparature here sis around 23c, it's hot I mean it's not that "Thai Hot." but it's hot and dry. I feel unbreathable.
I wondered if 23c in Thailand would be "hot." My understanding was no one would complain the 23c hot in Thai definitely.
It would be far better than th weather there now. Speaking of hot, I have found a lot of hot chicks here in summer. Where were they in winter? Or would it be the clothing that made some " white meat" look much nicer. hahaha

Relationship

Relationship seems so fragile. In a circumstance that no one wants to re-enter the game, unexpectedly bumping into someone somehow is peculiar. What would you do? Woud you just say "hi" and then leave as soon as possible? Or you would absently continue "a conversation." Probably, I am wild and not refined enough to put up with the converssation. No matter how hard we tried, we both knew that it was crap. Except parental bond, the bond attaching our friends is so .... Just one big mistake would tear that bond apart. So it ends up with nothing left. I would have been more discreet had I thougt twice. I should have continued playing "game" and not trying to have wrapped it up. This is absurd. It sounds so equivocal to me. One side I think I was so sick of the old script and desire another challenging script. In turn, I just couldn't put it down and let it go.
Psychology is so interesting. I guess it can explain this kind of behavior. it's sort of confusion, isn't it. Many times, I have been indecisive and the results were shit. It's not just like a game that I can restart it all the time. Even if there are a thousand alternatives, I can definitely figure it out which one is the best. But in reality, who knows? We just can't turn back time, solving , fixing mistakes happened. The way we are aiming could be the best, though the possibility is a little. We just can't get the finest thing all the time ... we just have to choose one, though risky. Somehow, being decisive would not cause any problem after choosing it. Don't have to think did i do wrong or would that one be better? What a thought!!

...

PS : Please do not read, this journal is somewhat silly .. and you may not be able get something from it. so just skip .. I'm just bored.

Some time, we expect to do a lot of things in any single day, somehow no matter how far we are or whatever, we just find that we still at the exact same place we started. Probably, I didn't recognize how far I was , just let day and night pass day by day, ... what do I need of being alive? I still have no idea ... since high school, I have decided my path of life on my own ... never did my parents force me to do so. it's hard though. It's hard that I have to think what am I gonna do next. After this, what am I gonna be? I feel like I am getting lost in my thought ... if human beings did't have to think, it would be bored ... just like a system everything goes toward the rules. I still recall one thing that one of my close friend said to me "we know each other for departing." It's true. Who knows that in one's life, how many people have we met and how many people have we left behind or are surpassed by a little tiny piece of new memories ... they are pressed and one day we just can't unearth them. Relationship, somehow fake, is something weird, to me. For someone, it lasts forever ... in turn, to someone, it is just one night stand ... we just passed by. Being alone, .... do I really get used to it? ........ since when have I called a person friend? Does anybody has the line? Weird! Friends sometimes just cross the border that normally we can't let someone invade to. Friends... are they really like wine? the older, the better. it's sort of something that depends... I just wanna express my feeling without not yelling .. writing seems to be somewhat an alternative. ........................ why? ... have you ever thought when you were studying some social stuff saying that Human beings are social animals .. such this such that .... ..... I don't know ..... To be climbing or falling, some time we can just make consideratuins despite its effect affecting only us.

final exam

There are 2 more to go ... Since when have I studied so hard like this? I was wondering with myself. Ok .. that's it I'm gonna complain about my exam. Near my school, there is a hamburger shop named "Shake Shack." Normally, I am not fond of hamburgers, but hold on ... this shop is different. Hamburgers here are dammmm good. I couldn't believe. I love the one "Mushroom Burger." The portion is so small, but the price isn't that cheap. It costs $4.5 with that fucking little tiny piece of bread and a little sauce and mushroom. Last time, when I wandered around school, don't know where to have lunch, suddenly I saw a long line as if they were waiting to play some stuff in Disneyland. I was wondering if it was the so-called ShakeShack. So I went to madison square park, it's in the park, and I decided to get a hamburger. I didn't know if it was a wise decision, cuz I had been waiting half an hour for that damm hamburger. For Chrsit's sake!! When I tasted it, the bread was so delicate , not like junk stuff from Mcdonald, but ... so small. That's the best burger.

...How

Now I was wondering which way I learn better, when I am talking, between trying to quote everyword word by word and just letting it go, meaning that just get the meaning. Cuz i was confused last time when I was talking to my friends. I totally understood what they were saying, but I couldn't repeat their sentence. That was weird ... but I think it's more improve .. cuz it's natural. just be cool. Out of the blue and tippsy ....

Culture Diferrence

Culture here is pole apart to Thai's. One thing that is really obvious and I just realize it today is the dress. Here, people are so confident wearing their suit. In class, there was a presentation today and every representative showed up with their business attire. I was so surprised, cuz it was only casual presentation. You were not supposed to dress up!!! That was good that I didn't have to present, If I had had to present, I would have worn a t-shrit and a jean.

Spring Break ~~

A few days ago I went to DC. By the time I got there, I had made a stupid mistake that was I had booked 3 nights at the hotel from Sunday to Wendesday, but I thought I booked starting from Monday. That was so dumb. So, I had to pay 3 nights with staying only 2 nights. T-T The trip was so exhausting. I went to many places within 2days. I'm gonna skip the detail.
At the evening of the last day, I went to a chinese restaurant in China Town and there were 3 girls and 1 guy in the restaurant.
The restaurant was quite small though, so I was sitting next to that table. What a surprise! Those girls happened to be Thai and the thing was they didn't know that I was Thai. The guy sitting there was American, so he wasn't able to understand what they were talking. At first, those girls was chatting on general topic. Later on, I didn't know why they were saying that, but I was eavesdropping anyhow. One of them told the other two that yesterday she just had the most exciting experience by doing "that" outside of a car. ... I kept listening to that conversation. I thought it would be weird if I said anyword in Thai, so when a waitress came to take order, I just pointed what I wanted at the menu. That girl hadn't stopped. She was saying that most of her partners were foreigners. Well, with the like of her, I didn't wonder why. I was thinking that nowadays Thai girls were so open-minded and "extrovert." Not everyone as usual. I had been listining to that "unsavory" conversation for half an hour. And then I paid the bill. When I was leaving, I thought that they should have known that I was Thai. Therefore, I said "Yae Jung Ner," when I was walking out. After I said that, the restaurant was so quiet as if nobody was in there. They kept their mouth shut and stared at me. With the last smile I gave to them, I wouldn't do anything just left them in peace. Amend... Thanks the girls.

Haaaaaa

Such a long time haven't I written somethiing on the blog. Lately, I have been busy, so .. that's an excuse. Winter is still going on and it seems even cloder than December now. My friend has told me that my thinking isn't systematic. Why? His answer is "I always think about many things in the same time." I found that it was true. While I'm thinking about something, if there is something interfering, I probably jump to another topics easily. It's a kind of problem I think.

I was wondering why the older we are, the more problem we face? Recently, many friends of mine experienced a "tragedy."
It's like a person who is really confident that no matter what is going on, they'll be fine. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I really hate what I can't control. You name it ... there are many things we can't control. Feelings, somehow are the ones. What if we lived in a world that nobody had feeling. It would be ridiculous when you were very sad, but your crying voice was mono. Some times when you were angry, you expressed the action, but the mono doesn't stressed the anger you had. hahaha .. just like one of my friend who always speaks monotone. He is just "incredible." Everything in him such a mismatch. hahahaha

ABE ??

I have studied since Jan 2nd. There is a lot of homework everyday. Speak out, writing. ... :'( Accent reduction is the most laid-back course. However, I experience difficulties of pronunciation some words. Girl ... Who created this word??? It's really hard for foreigners to pronounce this word. Writing class is quite tough. I feel under pressure cuz a lot of home work. In the first week, I was ordered to do research paper. And this Thursday I have to send the first draft of it. At first, I would write about OTOP, but the information of OTOP is really hard to come by. I might change it. The most difficult of doing research is the sources of the information.

?????